I’ve taught a lot of guitar lessons over the years. I stopped counting at 10,000, and that was quite a while ago. This means I’ve taught hundreds of students. When it was my main source of income (basically all of my 20s) I was not in a financial position to be picky about who I taught, so I saw all kinds. After a while you notice a pattern, a typology that recapitulates every few students. Here are some of the folks that come through your studio: The six-year old with type-A parents You are a substitute for piano lessons. Piano lessons, of course, are a vehicle for pressure-testing the hopes and dreams of the parents. Well-heeled families approach their children’s education with the intensity of Wall Street floor traders. Any day could be ruinous for future prosperity. The mother almost always brings the student to lessons. (The father, one imagines, is too busy closing deals that use esoteric financial instruments to raise your rent thirty percent in exchange for providing munitions to jihadists.) You can spot her from across the parking lot, deeply tanned with fresh highlights glimmering as she descends an SUV the size of your first apartment. A few of these students do very well. The rest are crushed by great expectations. Maybe a lacrosse scholarship is in their future. The wannabe rocker Catchphrase: “It can’t be taught, you have to feel it.” A curious opinion for someone forking out $75/hour to be taught whatever it is. This person has probably played more air guitar than you played actual guitar. The scourge of record-store owners since their teenage years, they have complete scorn for all things technique. “You think Stevie Ray Vaughan practiced scales?! He was just rocking for hours a day.” Suggesting that if hours a day were being spent on the guitar in this circumstance we could expect some real progress leads to a change of subject. The least painful way of spending this half hour is usually chatting about favorite records. Some wannabe rockers actually play the guitar, but not well enough to make a career at it. They often become music store teachers with the catchphrase, “It can’t be taught, you have to feel it.” The child of the wannabe rocker A variation of the wannabe rocker is the dad (always a dad) who understands his opportunity has passed. This of course means the frustrated dream must be laid upon the child, like a student loan that transfers to your family when you die. “Did you guys rock today?! 🤘” he always asks at pickup. When I’m asked this question I understand how Europeans feel when Americans ask “What’s up?” I take the same tack and do not answer. In most cases the answer is, “your offspring cannot play a single chord after six months, but you always pay your bill on time and I need the money so I’m going to smile and give a polite chuckle before giving another reminder of the necessity of daily practice time.” The wildly optimistic adult Many students come to the guitar for the first time as adults. These tend to show up in January, but sometimes following significant milestones. A birthday ending in a -0, for example, or perhaps retirement or even divorce. Something has lit the fire that it is time to learn this thing they have always wanted to do. Retirees have the advantage of time on their hands. Though their brains are not as elastic, they can actually spend time on it and do well. It’s the high-achieving, mid-career, president of the HOA, marathon running, community volunteer, father of five who really overestimates how well this will go. “With all those responsibilities how much do you expect you’ll be able practice?” I always ask. “Oh, an hour a day or so, maybe more on the weekends.” “The weekends when you run 10 miles, coach all of your kids’ soccer teams, and deliver food to shut-ins before teaching Sunday school?” They’ve been good at everything they have ever done, so when the guitar doesn’t take they usually turn to something else quickly. Perhaps starting another nonprofit or digging a well in the third world. Something manageable. The wildly pessimistic adult This person, despite having a career and devoted family, insists they have never been good at anything and will probably not be good at this either. “Really struggled this week.” “Not getting anywhere on this thing.” “I’m sorry to make you listen to this.” The funny thing is, these students often make very good progress, but they never believe that. The theorist A typical adult male specimen. The student who cannot play worth beans, but has many theories about the guitar and playing it effectively. Theories that are, of course, untested, since he cannot play. But he was reading an interesting post in a forum last week about the geometry of wrist angles and attack velocity. He usually has significant opinions about the construction of guitars and various tone woods. Don’t get him started on rounded versus straight nail profiles. The luthier-built guitar he has sounds great…in theory. But since, alas, all that wrist geometry is purely theoretical we might never know. Perhaps when he has finished trying every guitar string currently in manufacture it will sound better. For 9-12 months, he will challenge all of the advice you offer, will not practice, and will eventually move on to try his theories on another teacher. The Switfies / Smithies There is a pretty consistent breakdown among the teenage girls who take guitar lessons. 30% are alt, angsty teens who listen to The Smiths and would like to play The Smiths. Black nail polish, thrifted Dark Side of the Moon t-shirts, Doc Martens. They don’t fit in at school and you are always slightly worried about them. The other 70% are buoyant Taylor Swift fans, whose piety has led them to take up the guitar itself as an act of devotion. After learning a few songs, the bright ones notice that they all used the same four chords. For those not truly devoted to the genius of Taylor Swift, the bubble will burst. Knowing that all of her songs use the same chord progressions, the same structure, and are basically all the same will disabuse them of the illusion that she is a brilliant musician. For the truly devout though, it will only confirm everything. “Only a true genius could make so many amazing songs out of the same four chords!” The human heart is a wonder.